Partners of the Chronically Unfaithful, Part 4
(Note: this is part three of the five-part article "Partners of the Chronically Unfaithful". Click here to return to the previous section. If you want to read this article from the beginning, click here.)
THE BIG QUESTION: WHAT DOES YOUR FUTURE HOLD?
Partners who are trying to decide whether or not to remain committed to the relationship throughout a potentially long and difficult recovery process inevitably want to know the chances for ultimate success. While I know just what they mean when they look into my eyes and pleadingly ask me to give it to them straight, my initial response is to explore what ‘success’ means to them. Sometimes they stare back at me like I’m simple-minded: of course success means that the chronic betrayer won’t ever do this kind of behavior again.
No one can guarantee this.
It is necessary to accept that history argues against the prospect that a chronic betrayer will remain forever faithful to a new vow of monogamy. Regardless of whether the underlying issue is a problem of addiction, ethics, ignorance or illness, the past is the most potent predictor of the future. Even though sexual fidelity is quite possible for even the most hardcore deceiver, there’s no escaping the possibility that some sort of a relapse may occur at any point in the future.
As difficult as this can be to accept, perhaps the greater misfortune is to consider sexual sobriety to be the sole measure of success. True recovery is a much more encompassing concept than “staying out of trouble”, for it includes the need to develop a new way of engaging life in such a way that the underlying issues that set the stage for chronic infidelity are managed in a much healthier manner.
There’s an old A.A. saying that an alcoholic horse thief who stops drinking is merely a sober horse thief. This might seem harsh, but it serves as a reminder that behavior can be easier to change than the underlying personality structure that created and supported it. It is the underlying quality of character and conscience that ultimately defines a person more than the quantity of his or her outward achievement. As the saying goes, not everything that counts can be counted.
For people who accept and incorporate the addiction model into their understanding of repeated sexual betrayal, the 12-step program of recovery provides an invaluable pathway for emotional growth that is deeper than mere behavioral change. Programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) and Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) help a person examine the underlying aspects of his or her personality and get to the heart of what it means to be an ethical, courageous, humble, self-aware and emotionally available human being.
Narrow Definitions Of Success Create Confusing Distinctions
When sexual fidelity (which 12-step groups term “sexual sobriety”) is narrowly defined solely by the absence of certain behaviors, it’s not long before hair-splitting distinctions can seem monumental. Here are a few examples:
1. What if your chronically cheating partner never again engages in sexual behavior with another person but occasionally (or even regularly) masturbates to pornography? How about if his or her sexual fantasies include people or situations outside of the relationship?
Committed partners by definition are not sexually involved with other people. (There is an entire culture of polyamorous relationships, but that is outside the scope of this article). A person in a monogamous relationship generally wants and expects to be ‘enough’ for his or her partner, and ongoing infidelity shakes this assurance to its core.
But is masturbation a form of cheating? Is there such a thing as solitary infidelity? Most people in healthy relationships don’t consider sexual self-gratification to be a cause of concern in and of itself. It’s not uncommon for people in committed relationships to occasionally pleasure themselves sexually. However, since masturbation almost always involves some degree of fantasy, easy online exposure to a virtually endless supply of pornographic imagery is inevitably going to expand the range of person’s sexual imagination.
So at what point along the continuum does masturbation to pornography increase the risk of a relapse for a person who has repeatedly engaged in sexual deception? For a true porn or sex addict the likelihood is so great as to be an almost certainty. While opinions vary as to whether the act of masturbation itself can be incorporated into the healthy sexual expression of a recovered sex addict, the clear alterations of brain chemistry caused by pornography are so dramatic that there is little question that masturbating to it is risky business.
2. How about if your partner is exceedingly friendly to – and spends unaccountable time with -- a person outside the relationship in a way that raises your distrust or jealousy?
Wounded partners of repeated betrayers often develop a highly refined “radar” regarding situations and relationships that have a potential for being inappropriately sexualized. It can be exceedingly difficult to fully trust the chronically unfaithful partner’s interactions with other people, no matter how brief, chance, necessary or seemingly innocent they appear to be. Danger seems to lurk everywhere.
A vicious circle can ensue: the person who was unfaithful soon begins to notice the betrayed partner constantly evaluating his or her eyes, actions, emotions and interests for signs of deception and intrigue. This can quickly result in a build-up of resentment and a corresponding reluctance to reveal more than seems absolutely necessary, which contributes to the very fear and distrust that is so toxic to relational healing.
The way to break out of such mutually unsatisfying interactions varies according to each specific situation and is often best worked out in couples counseling.
3. Finally, what if your partner desires to remain sexually but reveals sexual fantasies or fetishes that you did not know about?
Some people initially engage in sexual deception at least partly to explore or satisfy a long-standing desire for more unusual or adventurous sexual practices which they have kept from their partners due to a fear of abandonment or some other outcome that is terrifying to them. This often results in a highly reinforcing cycle of “acting out” these repressed desires in a manner that can quickly reach addictive proportions.
Is the revelation that your partner has sexual interests, fantasies and/or fetishes that you did not know about better or worse than the discovery of chronic sexual deception? On the one hand you now know an extremely fragile, very fearful and intensely guarded part of your partner’s true self. The process of looking this deeply into a person, no matter how it occurs or how painful it is, is a form of intimacy (“into-me-see”). On the other hand, the nature of these revelations may require you to come to terms with the previously unexamined contours of your own sexual values, interests, insecurities, limitations and misperceptions.
Some partners who find themselves in such uncharted territory angrily respond that this is nothing more than another layer of dishonesty that has no place in the relationship. But the truth is that stopping a certain behavior can be easier than ridding oneself of the deeply embedded desire that fuels it. Adopting a ‘no-tolerance’ policy that refuses to even consider ways to accommodate these sexual desires may require your partner to repress an aspect of his or her true nature. The irony is that such a stance encourages continued deception, only this time on your terms. Wishing your partner had different sexual desires is different than pretending they don’t exist, shaming them into submission or refusing to accommodate them.
The reality is that a wide variety of sexual interests, including fantasies and fetishes that you may never have discussed with anyone in an open-minded manner, are relatively common, normal occurrences in people who have never experienced any problems with fidelity. It is wise to carefully consider if one condition of sexual fidelity that you require is that your partner not express or demonstrate any interests, impulses, fantasies or behaviors that cause you discomfort. If your expectation for sexual monogamy extends to the guarantee that you will not have to address your own sexual issues, your definition of success now sets forth two goals instead of one.
These are just some of the many questions that challenge couples who are attempting to heal their relationship after repeated loss of sexual trust. For example, how is relationally-based sexual exploration incorporated into the healing process? What behaviors and activities improve or impair the integration of a couple’s emotional and sexual intimacy? How are the ghosts of old sexual wounds healed? These and many other questions are often best addressed in a safe and respectful counseling environment.
The Importance of Carefully Choosing What You Want
Imagine you are presented with two alternative scenarios, and that you may choose only one. The first is to be absolutely assured that your partner will never engage in any illicit sexual behavior again, with no other changes in the quality of the relationship. This potentially makes the minimum standard for "success" nothing more than a partner who never cheats again but who remains emotionally distant and defensive, the sexual equivalent of the sober horse thief.
The second scenario is to have a partner who:
- has undergone a deep transformation of personality,
- is psychologically healthier,
- is emotionally more mature,
- is relationally present and available in good times and bad,
- has demonstrated a lasting and meaningful growth in spirit, and
- has engaged in many substantive acts of amends for the deceptions and betrayals that were imposed upon you.
This second scenario would seem to clearly signify a person who in all ways has shown the most sincere and sustained actions consistent with the highest definition of “recovery.” Now what if he or she confesses a “slip” back into some form of behavior that had clearly been agreed upon to be off-limits?
This is an often-overlooked dilemma of choice: would you rather have a partner who never cheats in any way but who remains otherwise essentially unchanged as a human being and life partner, or one who shows appreciable growth in many important ways but who may never-the-less experience an unfortunate backslide?
Treating monogamy as the sole indicator of a successful long-term partnership may be a poor substitute for what may be a greater and more lasting goal: sincere but imperfect growth as a person of integrity, honesty, humility, empathy and courage.
Of course it’s natural to want both emotional growth and permanent behavior change. And it is definitely possible to achieve both of these excellent outcomes. As in most important life goals, the most lasting solutions emerge over much time and effort. Everybody has an important role to take in the creation of this best possible result.
To read the final section of this article, "EVERYONE HAS A ROLE IN THE HEALING JOURNEY", click here).
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Note: personal assistance is available from the author, Atlanta psychotherapist Bill Herring.
