Partners of the Chronically Unfaithful, Part 5

(Note: this is the final part of the article "Partners of the Chronically Unfaithful." Click here to read the previous section unless you prefer to read the entire article from the beginning.)

EVERYONE HAS A ROLE ON THE JOURNEY OF HEALING FROM CHRONIC DECEPTION

The Role Of The Betrayer In the Healing Process

There are specific steps that a chronically unfaithful individual can take to help heal the wounds of a deeply damaged partner, but they are much more than mere promises and apologies. This is the time to borrow some wisdom from the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” that reads “…there is a long period of reconstruction ahead….. a remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all.” This philosophy holds true regardless of whether the addiction paradigm is accepted as the core of the problem. Words are woefully insufficient in the absence of sincere and sustained action.

A person capable of repeated deception and betrayal must be willing to assess the entire measure of his or her life to have any hope of lasting improvement. Entering into (and sticking with) professional counseling is an extremely reasonable expectation in the absence of a compelling reason to the contrary.

It is imperative to accept that healing occurs in waves, with periods of relational pain and distance alternating with times of increased hope and emotional connection. It’s unreasonable to expect that a betrayed partner will be able to quickly and easily participate in a mutually satisfying intimate relationship, especially sexually (which was often never really present in the first place). A person who either directly states or obliquely suggests that his or her partner’s lack of sexual desire, comfort or prowess contributed to a cycle of repeated deception is denying that this problem could have been addressed in a more ethical and ultimately effective manner. An unsatisfying sexual life does not authorize a couple to avoid or attack each other instead of addressing their mutual problem in a loving and courageous way.

I often tell a person who has been chronically unfaithful to “be the last one to trust yourself”, since self-deception typically precedes a sexual relapse. It’s natural to crave forgiveness, to expect things to get back to normal, and to conclude that every possible life lesson has been extracted out of all this pain. I encourage even the most devastated sex addict crying over his shattered life to not waste such a pivotal opportunity for personal transformation by simply trying to put the pieces back together. This is the time to remember that iron can only be forged under the most intense heat, when everything else has burned away.

People who truly want to stop living out a pattern of unprincipled sexual behavior are increasingly willing to concede (or at least consider) that they are sex addicts. Some do so hesitatingly, while others seize upon the concept with all the fervor of a drowning man clinging to a life preserver. For these individuals the various 12-step groups dedicated to this issue are able to provide an unprecedented source of “experience, strength and hope” (a phrase commonly heard in such meetings). Those who hesitate to attend these meetings may do so for a variety of reasons which I have addressed at length in my article “12-Step Groups: Twelve Objections and Twelve Responses.”

A person who accepts the label “sex addict” and agrees to follow the 12-step approach quickly finds truth in the saying that “it works if you work it”. Regular meeting attendance is a crucial part of this process; I typically recommend a minimum of twice-weekly meetings for at least a year. It is important to develop a relationship with a “sponsor”, who is an experienced group member who serves as a personal resource throughout the recovery process. A sponsor provides guidance for “working the steps”, which is a systematic process for dealing with the wreckage of the past, managing the challenges in the present and living in a way that brings about a healthier future.

Betrayed partners who accept that they are now in a relationship with a “recovering sex addict” discover that this pathway to healing is a mixture of opportunity and ordeal. The very idea that a bunch of people with poor sexual boundaries are gathering together in an anonymous manner can seem inherently risky. It may take awhile to fully trust that the presence of so many extremely motivated individuals provides a safeguard of mutual support and accountability that protects against any potential exploitation or intrigue among members. People attend these meetings to save their lives, not to mess around.

A sex addict in early recovery may spend as much or even more time away from his or her partner than when the addiction was in full swing. Some individuals experience life-changing benefit from the 12-step process by attending 90 meetings in 90 days (“90 in 90”), having daily contact with their sponsor, engaging in extensive written “step work”, making telephone calls to fellow members multiple times a day, participating in “service work”, sponsoring others who desire their own sexual sobriety, and doing anything else to insure that their recovery was the most important goal. Some betrayed partners can have mixed feelings about the amount of time an active recovery process can involve.

Sometimes a sponsor or therapist may recommend that a newly recovering sex addict refrain from all sexual behavior for a specific period of time, perhaps 60 or 90 days. The goal of this temporary period of conscious celibacy is to disrupt the addictive cycle and allow emotions that have often been buried by unheathy sexual behavor to rise to the surface so that they may be dealt with consciously. Although many betrayed partners have little to no interest in being sexual with the person who has hurt them, it can feel odd to have this decision made by the betrayer.

There are situations when counseling and 12-step meetings are not enough. More intensive treatment options exist that provide the type of enhanced therapeutic environment that can bring about the deepest possible healing experience. Programs range from 5-day retreats to two-week intensives to inpatient hospitalizations lasting a month or longer. The decision to pursue any of these courses of care is based on both clinical and economic considerations.

Your Role In Your Own Healing Process

Regardless of what your betraying/addicted partner does or doesn’t do, you have to accomplish many tasks:

to develop and maintain a strong support system;

to establish some sense of emotional safety, including the creation of appropriate boundaries;

to practice good mental, emotional and physical self-care;

to recognize and respond appropriately to the many cognitive distortions and negative self- talk that inevitably occur;

to navigate the numerous stages of loss and grief;

to discover and nurture a sense of personal resiliency and empowerment;

to find a sense of hope, regardless of what the future brings, and many other difficult tasks.

These are your tasks, no matter what your partner does or does not do. Just as the betrayer is responsible for his or her growth, you must be responsible for your own. No wonder full healing (when it occurs) is not measured in days or weeks but more often in months or even years.

The Importance Of Finding The Right Professional Help

Chronic infidelity is best addressed with experienced professional guidance in order to deal with all of the difficult and confusing issues that arise for each individual as well as for the relationship. This is not the time to “go solo”. Even if the investment of time, money and energy is substantial, the benefit can be well worth it. Attempting to avoid professional assistance in the healing process can cause emotional and relational damage to linger for much longer than necessary, decreasing your ability to be happy, healthy and productive.

Unfortunately many therapists do not adequately assess for the possibility of sexual addiction as the root cause of multiple affairs and other forms of repetitive deceptive sexual practices in relationships. Some will either subtly discount or directly challenge the notion that sexual compulsivity is even a valid concept worthy of careful exploration. In a similar manner, many sex therapists tend to be reluctant to consider that inappropriate forms of sexual desire can represent an addictive drive, even in the face of obvious damage caused by chronic infidelity. I consider those colleagues who continue to resist the concept of sexual addiction are revealing themselves to be either dogmatic or ill-informed.

Because of these concerns I recommend that anyone seeking a therapist’s help should find out (a) how that professional views the concept of sexual addiction, (b) what specific training that person has received on the topic, and (c) how often the therapist assesses the presence of sex addition in cases involving repeated betrayal. If the answer is “almost always” or “hardly ever” then this person may lack the degree of objectivity this kind of situation requires. Every situation must be based on its own merits.

Summary

It's obvious that repeated sexual betrayal causes damage to a relationship that often cannot be overcome. However, I have seen many situations in which couples have been transformed as the result of the hard work each person is willing and able to put forth over the long haul. The topics covered above are just a few of the many considerations that will accompany the discovery of chronic infidelity in a long-term relationship. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of gathering together a trusted and informed network of support and guidance. As the saying goes, you alone can do this, but you can't do this alone.

If you are seeking balanced, informed, experienced and compassionate help for a situation that involves any of the issues described I this article, I invite you to call or email me. I will help you examine your options, assess the unique characteristics of your situation, and give you practical guidance and support in getting you through this difficult journey to a much better place. I’m available to provide assistance to you, your partner or the both of you. I offer telephone or Skype appointments for those who are too far away for an in-person consultation.

I hope this article is helpful to your quest for healing, understanding, guidance and hope.

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Note: I am available to provide personal assistance.